Chasse à l'homme

Un Français et un espagnol chassent la canard. Les deux tirent, le canard tombe et l'espagnol l'attrape par la queue et le français par les pattes. L'espagnol propose une solution pour régler le différent : "Nous allons nous donner à tour de rôle un coup de pied là où cela fait le plus mal aux hommes. Le premier qui abandonne perd le canard. Je commence." Il frappe, le français se tord de douleur, puis se relève : "A mon tour !". L'Espagnol lui dit alors "on ne va tout de même pas se battre pour un canard !".

Habla hispana

Subject : Improper language use

Date : 9/11/02

From : Human resources and communication

To :

The following memorandum is based on the field study of a dedicated team composed of sociologists, linguists, lawyers, psychologists and palaeontologists. The purpose of this memorandum is to convince Spanish staff to behave properly in a multicultural atmosphere, in particular as regards the use of language.

Read it carefully, it could help you!

It has been brought to our attention that offensive language is commonly used by our Spanish staff. Such behaviour, in addition to violating our company policy, is highly unprofessional, and offensive to both our visitors and staff alike. Therefore it is requested that our Spanish staff adhere to the following rules immediately :

1. Foreign visitors should not be referred to as "mira ese guiri de mierda" or "pasa de ese polaco"

2. Words like "coño", "hostia", and other such expressions will not be used as emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion

3. You will not say "la cagó" when someone makes a mistake, or "la está cagando" if you see somebody being reprimanded, or "qué cagada" when a major mistake has been made. All direct and derivated forms of the verb "cagar" are inappropriate in our environment

4. No project manager, section, head or administration chief will be referred to, under any circumstances, as "el hijo de la gran puta" or "el muy cabrón" or even "el come mierda"

5. Lack of determination will not be referred to as "falta de huevos" or "mariconera" nor will persons with a lack of initiative be referred to as "capullo" or "acojonado".

6. Unusual and/or creative ideas will not be referred to as "pajas mentales" in particular when they stem from your manager.

7. You will not say "como me jode" if a person is persistent or "está jodido" or "se lo van a follar" if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, when matters become complicated the expressions "qué jodienda" or "esto es la repolla" should not be used

8. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say "vete a la mierda" nor should you ever substitute the most educated "May I help you ?" with "¿Qué coño quieres?"

9. If things get tough an acceptable expression such as "we are going through a difficult time" should be used, rather than "esto está jodido" or "nos van a follar a todos" or "el futuro es más negro que el sobaco de un mono". Additionally, if you make a mistake, just say so, and do not say qué putada" or any expression composed with the root "puta".

10. No salary increase should ever be referred to as "subida de mierda".

11. Last but not least, after reading this note, please do not say "me voy a limpiar el culo con ella" or "me la paso por el forro de los cojones". Just keep it clean and odourless and dispose of it properly.

If this note does not achieve its goal to improve Spanish staff's language, it can always be used as a spanish language course for foreigners.